Suffer so alone
by Loconik
Summary: A depressing Koushiro fic, set some time after 01. What do you have when you fade from your friends? Suicide.
1. Suffer so alone part 1

Suffer so alone part 1.  
  
This is part one in a series. Please R/R and tell me what you think. I know the idea's been done before a bit, but I thought I'd give it a try. Please review and tell me how you think this compares with the others. Don't bothers ending flames, if you hate it that much don't bother reviewing.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon or any of it's characters, so don't bother suing or anything like that.  
  
********  
A fine misty rain was falling over the city of Odaiba, and there were few people on the streets. A few school kids hurried over to a bus shelter, laughing slightly and huddling under jackets trying to avoid getting wet.  
  
Koushiro looked up momentarily at them, and then returned his gaze to the slick pavement ahead of him. He absently brushed a raindrop from above his eye, and continued walking along, not minding the fact he was without a jacket. His School uniform had dampened long ago, but he was not concerned. He sighed slightly, and looked out to the road, checking it before crossing.   
  
He silently trudged along the exposed walkway of the apartment building until he arrived at the apartment where he lived, and raised the key to the lock. Glancing out at the misty rain, a sad smile crossed his lips. He liked the rain, it suited his feelings.   
  
He stepped through the opened door, wiped his wet shoes off on the doormat and closed the door behind him, and then turned and walked to his room. He sighed again and tossed his damp schoolbag onto the bed, kicked off his shoes, and then walked to the bathroom.  
  
He changed out of his damp uniform, and hung it to dry next to the heater, then picked up the note his 'mother' had left him.  
  
It read:  
Dear Izzy,  
Am working late again, ditto dad, so make yourself some dinner and I'll hopefully be back around 10.30.  
Love you,  
Mom.  
  
He screwed it up and absently tossed it into the rubbish bin. Ever since his mom had got a nursing job at the nearby hospital, and his dad had started working longer hours after his promotion, he had been reading these notes almost everyday. Of course he liked what they read, he wasn't a particularly social person, and preferred to be left alone and not have to deal with anyone. It hadn't always been like this, he used to love going and hanging out with the other digi destined, but quite a bit had changed over the past couple of months.  
  
When the letter had arrived triumphantly announcing he had been accepted into a trial program which moved intelligent kids to highschool, he had been overjoyed. He would be going to the same school as his friends at the same time, instead of having to wait two years. His parents had taken him out to dinner, and him and the group had gone out as well. Things seemed to be OK, but there were changes which encouraged the growth of his anti-social side, chiefly his dads promotion and his moms completion of her nursing qualification. These had doubled the amount of time he was alone, at first he had not liked it too much, but once school had started he had grown to it like a vine to the light.   
  
Koushiro had always been a quiet and independent person, and was only comfortable talking to people when he knew them well. He had learned to do this very early in life, his high intelligence had given him a very advanced vocabulary, and he talked in a much more complex tone than most others, which of course isolated him and made him an obvious target for harassment. Bullies in his primary school years had moulded him into a quiet genius, he rarely talked in class except when asked a question by the teacher, and shied away from group discussions and confrontation of any type.  
  
This formula had worked rather nicely for him up until his induction into Odaiba high, when his composure and obvious liking towards 'nerdy things' had made him the unfortunate victim of the ever present bullies.   
  
We all know this, there is always one poor soul who is chosen as the butt of the jokes and bullies, most of us will stand by, uncomfortable with what is being done and said, but reluctant to step in, thankful it is not us that is the victim. Koushiro was like this. He had been singled out from his first day, and because he none of his fellow digi destined were in any of his classes and he was so young, he had no one to act as a guardian towards him.  
  
So everyday he had endured it. The taunts, the slanderous false rumours spread about him, the beatings and the isolation from his friends. He had not told his parents, telling himself they worked too hard to need to be worried about him. He became more and more recessed. At the cafeteria he usually sat quietly, listening to the jokes and fun times his friends were regaling each other with, and quietly wishing he felt the way they all did.  
  
This particular day, after he had got changed he had returned to the bathroom to inspect the damage that had been done to him as soon as the school day had ended. His bullies had found him, and laid into him, reducing him to a doubled over heap on the damp concrete, gasping for air after the kick to his ribs which had left him winded.  
Taking off his shirt he turned the right side of his torso to the bathroom mirror and winced slightly as he saw the deep purple bruise the kick had left. He pulled his shirt back down again and went to his room.  
  
*******  
He woke up several hours later, and looked over at the clock, which read 7:30 in large green figures. Sighing, he carefully rolled over and sat on the edge of his bed, and reached for his stereo remote. He put on Adams song, by blink 182. It was always the song he put on while he cut. It bought out his deepest, saddest feelings, and was the catalyst to bring out the tears he bottled up every day.   
  
Following the same procedure he did everyday, he took out a scalpel he had taken from the schools science lab, and rolled the sleeve of his shirt up. His left arm was sickening to look at. It was covered in a criss cross of deep cuts and scars, so bad that his whole arm, up to just below the wrist looked was a disgusting mess. He had never been able to bring himself to cut his wrists, there had been days when he had come home, collapsed next to the front door and lay sobbing there for hours. But still he felt like he should hold on.  
  
But he was starting to lose this feeling. Every day he got closer to the wrist. Today as he sat on his bed, he looked at it and wondered what it would be like. But still he could not bring himself to do it. Instead he put the scalpel blade about halfway along his arm. He pulled it towards him, the now slightly blunt blade slicing coarsely through the scars and scabs, forcing fresh blood to well along the line it left. Koushiro gasped slightly in pain as he did it, and then sank to floor where he lay weeping, his tears driven by the songs sad lyrics. He sat crumpled there for another half hour, crying softly to himself, wishing it would all stop, and wishing he didn't have to hurt himself to release the pain.   
  
Outside the rain still fell softly on the Odaiba streets.  
  
Well thanks for reading it, it's a bit short I think, but it's in a series.  
  
Heres a preview of part 2:  
Koushiro goes to school as normal, except this day is the worst ever. Can he cope with it? How will he deal with it? Part two coming soon.......  
  
  



	2. Suffer so alone part 2

Suffer so alone part 2  
  
I would just like to say a huge thanks to all the awesome people who read and reviewed part 1. Your reviews were so nice and they made me feel so good :) . Thanks heaps.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon or any of the characters so don't waste your time pursuing legal action  
  
******  
Koushiro awoke with a start and blindly swiped at his bedside table to swat his alarm off, then groaned slightly and rolled over. A few sickly rays of sun droned through the gap in his curtains, and from their paleness he knew immediately that it was raining again. A smile crossed his lips, but vanished after a second, when his sleep dulled brain realised that today was a school day. He closed his eyes slowly and sighed. Friday. Finally the week was almost over. Two glorious days of staying alone in his room and not having to deal with anyone lay ahead. He smiled weakly. He didn't know many people who looked forward to staying in their room on weekends, avoiding all outside contact and only vacating the sanctity if a request from a parent arose.   
  
He pushed himself up and turned to look at the clock. It read 7:03 in soft green numbers. Sighing, Koushiro climbed out of bed, wincing slightly as his bruised ribcage stretched, reminding him of the people that awaited. He shuffled to the lounge to retrieve his uniform from its place above the heater, and smiled slightly when he saw it neatly folded on the coffee table, with a note strategically placed on top.  
He picked up the note and opened it.  
It read:  
  
Darling Izzy,  
As you will probably know I am away until Tuesday on my nurses conference, and your father has that meeting, so won't be back until Monday evening. We're both sorry to leave you alone again, I came into say goodnight last night, but you were asleep and I didn't want to wake you. I picked up some groceries on the way home last night so there's plenty of stuff to eat there, and you know just to call Mrs Kamicha next door if there's a problem.  
Love you darling,  
Mom  
  
His face remained expressionless as he read the note, and as he screwed it up and tossed it into the rubbish tin. He retrieved his uniform, got dressed and went back into the kitchen, where he silently prepared a breakfast of toast and hot chocolate. Glancing at the clock, he saw it read 7:20, so he walked to the lounge, sat down and turned the TV on. He sat watching a cartoon and eating his breakfast until the clock read 7:40. Silently and expressionless, he brushed his teeth and repacked his schoolbag, and checked the clock again. 7:56.   
  
The day was very similar to that of Thursday, the light misty rain was falling once again, but in the interest of comfort, Koushiro had decided to wear a jacket today rather than letting the rain which he consoled with so much wet him. As he walked, cars slished by on the wet road, and small groups of students from his school made their way along his route, sheltered by umbrellas and raised folders, laughing and talking as they made their way at a snails pace. He didn't even bother to look up at them. Walking along at a steady pace, his face set in a sad and uninspired expression, eyes seeing but not registering the slick pavement, he covered the average distance in just over 10 minutes.   
  
He passed through the school gate, and followed his daily route between the classrooms to a group of covered seats where the digi destined met every morning, interval and lunchtime. As usual, Sora was there talking to Mimi, who amazingly had fully adjusted her mindset and was actually succeeding quite well in all her classes, much to the groups chagrin, about the girl issues that affected them, and Matt was sitting next to them, looking cool and uninterested, but with one ear obviously cocked towards the conversation. As he got closer, Koushiro could plainly hear that Sora was talking about her distaste of the girls school uniform. "I'm sick of the skirt being so short, I look like some...some.. some cheap pick up!" He could not help but be amused with this, and joined the trio with a small grin imprinted on his face.   
  
"So you think this is funny do you Izzy?" Sora questioned him. He looked at her, his black eyes dancing slightly, and smiled.   
  
"I don't mind it" He replied, laughing slightly. Matt echoed his laughter, which only made Sora more frustrated.  
  
"It's easy for you guys, you get to sit around and watch us parade ourselves like prostitutes and wear your nice long pants, while we have to strut around looking like god damn sailors!" Sora said in a rather stressed tone. She had a habit of repeating herself when she got like this, and her rants often ended with her asking Tai to make the other guys shut up.   
  
Koushiro had got nicely lost in Soras rant, forgetting his miseries and tormentors. Smiling he looked around, and saw a group of four boys from his class standing round over by his from room. Immediately the rare smile faded from his face, and his expression became dull again. The group were all friends from the same school, and lacked in breeding as much as they lacked in intelligence. They were thugs, oldest in the form, and were the low type that enjoys picking on others. Their bullying was worse than what most of us have experienced. They weren't content to merely taunt him, they beat him up on regular occasions, usually in front of many others, which added to his feelings of helplessness and loneliness.  
  
When the bell rang, the others moved quickly and rather merrily onto class, laving Koushiro sitting alone at the bench biting his lip, trying to gain another couple of minutes before he had to go and face them. He waited until his form teacher arrived and they started moving inside, then he quickly made his way over.  
  
He quietly entered the classroom, and made his way to his seat, not making eye contact with anyone. He heard a few gasps, whispers and giggles, and once in his seat, he snuck a glance upwards, and saw several of the people in his class looking at him and talking hurriedly between themselves. He sighed quietly, knowing that some slanderous lie had been spread about him. In the past he had adopted a facade that fooled the others into thinking he had a thick skin, when in fact inside his spirit was breaking and all he wanted to do was run away and cry.  
  
But instead of asking someone what was going on, he bit his lip again and stared down at the scarred surface of his desk. After rollcall, he silently walked to his first class, making sure to stay well behind his bullies. As he walked he noticed that there were more gasps and looks in his direction, shocked looks from the girls and rather aggressive looks from the boys.  
  
He stared back down at the floor, trying to avoid making contact with anyone, trying to lose himself in himself, but was jerked back to reality when he was slammed into a bank of lockers by a large, rather intimidating senior. He looked up at the seniors face with scared black eyes, his heart racing, not knowing what was going to happen.  
  
"So you're the fucking little faggot" the senior said in the typical jock voice, while viciously screwing up Koushiro's shirt by his neck as he pushed him up hard against the lockers.  
  
"Wha...what...what?" Koushiro asked in a scared tone, looking right into the seniors dull eyes, which were slightly glazed over, indicating too much football had taken their toll on brain cells.  
  
"Word round is that you're a fucking gay"  
  
"What are you talk...talking about, I'm not gay" Izzy replied in a slightly whiny tone, totally taken aback by how far this false rumour had spread.  
  
"Yeah, well thats not what everyone else is saying, better hide at lunchtime, cause we hate fucking gays, and we're gonna smash you over" The senior said in a threatening tone, before letting him go and walking off.  
  
Koushiro fixed his shirt, blinked a few times to regain his composure and then walked hurriedly off. A hundred thoughts ran through his head, what was he going to do, who had spread the rumour, why did everyone know about it, was that senior serious...  
  
All through maths, English and chemistry he sat quietly, not listening to the teacher, wondering what he was going to do, and dreading the lunchtime bell. He had figured out the rumour was the doings of the thugs in his class, they were held in rather high regard by the dumbed out jocks, who were so simple and mentally backward, they would believe anything, especially if it was anything negative about anyone. He was so nervous and worried about what he would do, he was shaking, and could barely copy the notes down during chemistry, the period before lunch.  
  
The lunch bell pierced the air, striking a chord in Koushiro's chest, and causing his heart to race. He collected his books and went out of the classroom in a daze, those hundreds of thoughts swimming through his head yet again. The few minutes it took him to get to the cafeteria were a blur to him, he was so panicky he had lost his ability to think logically, he just wanted to meet with his friends and not have to fight.  
He strode along the hallway, and looked up to see the doors to the cafeteria were just ahead. To his horror a group of about 15 senior jocks came out of the adjacent hall, noticed him and started walking his way, talking noisily to each other and cracking their knuckles.  
  
End of part 2.  
  
What will happen? Can Koushiro handle the slanderous rumour spread about him? More importantly, can he handle the seniors? Find out in part 3. The continuation of Koushiro's worst day ever.  
  



	3. Suffer so alone part 3

Suffer so alone Part 3  
  
Hey! I would just like to say thanks again to all the awesome people who reviewed my stories, and to all those people who have read them. After you read this, PLEASE review, I need to know what direction to take this story. Thanks.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon or its characters, but I do own this fanfic.  
  
******  
Koushiro's heart jumped as he saw the seniors coming towards him, and his walking pace slowed. The seniors continued looking at him, but made no move to speed up their pace or move in on him. He moved over to the left wall of the hallway as they drew closer, and stopped. The seniors kept looking at him, and koushiros heart screamed as they came only a few feet away. He forced himself to not run away, thinking it was better to take what was coming rather than delay it.  
  
The seniors walked straight past him, giving him a few odd looks as they did so, but not slowing down, stopping or making any comments towards him. After they had past him, Koushiro let out the breath he had been holding, and leant his left hand on the wall to steady himself. His beating had been averted for the moment. After a minute or two, he managed to regain his composure, and he came to the realisation that it was impossible for the whole school to know the rumour and know who he was. Looking up at the cafeteria doors, he let out a small whimper, because he knew without a doubt that there were hundreds of people in there who knew the rumour, many of whom who wanted to hurt him undoubtedly.  
  
Many among us would simply decide not to face the situation, to run and hide in the toilets, to cower away and be in fear. Koushiro did not want to be hurt again, but he had lost so must self belief that he had got to the point where he didn't care what happened, a part of him almost wanted him to be beaten, so he would have what was needed to push him over the edge.........push him to the point where he could end it all.  
  
So he sighed slightly and continued walking towards the cafeteria doors, two parts of him each wanting something to happen....conflicting each other. He pushed open the red plywood doors, releasing a barrage of voices, clinking cutlery and plates, punctuated with shout sand laughter at occasions. Looking around, he saw no one had spotted him, so he made his way over to his friends, who were sitting at the same table they occupied every lunchtime.   
  
"Hey Izzy, hows it going?" Asked Sora in a cheery voice.  
  
"Fine." He replied in a rather dull and defensive tone.  
  
"Jeez Izzy I'm sorry, I was just being friendly...." replied Sora in a hurt little voice.  
  
Some friends. Just ignore me and talk about how fantastic Tai is and how good he is at soccer and how much you like him. Thought Koushiro, his face punctuating his thoughts with a sullen, sour scowl.  
"Don't you speak to Sora that was Izumi" Tai said in an edgy, sharp voice.  
  
Tai only used peoples last names when he was very angry at them, and because of his blatantly obvious attraction to Sora, it didn't take much to make him angry when anyone spoke poorly to her.  
  
Koushiro didn't reply to this, he just sat there staring at the edge of the table, the scowl on his face getting deeper and he thought about what terrible friends they were to him.  
  
"What do you care" Koushiro grumbled angrily to himself. The others heard what he said and were rather taken back, silently shocked at Koushiro's terrible mindset and mood. They sat there with there mouths slightly ajar, staring at him with dumbfounded eyes.  
  
Tai however, was seething. Since he was 'the leader', he usually took control of these scenes, in his own way. Koushiro was aware of this, Tai had bruised Matt several times back in the digiworld when he was defiant, and he wasn't shy about using his fists to prove a point.  
  
Tai stood up, kicked his chair back with his heel and walked angrily round the small metal table to where Koushiro was, and grabbed him by the shirt collar. He jerked him up violently, much to Koushiros surprise, and pulled him close so his face was only inches away from his own.  
  
"Listen geek, don't you come over here and disrespect us all" Tai said in a quiet voice that was as cold as ice.  
  
Koushiro stared back into Tai's angry brown eyes, rather stunned at how vicious the response to his comment had been. He didn't know what to say. He knew he had been disrespectful to all of them, but he felt angry at the type of friends they had been to him. He felt he had a point he needed to put across to Tai.  
  
"Oh yeah Tai, kiss ass to Sora like you always do, you're just pissed off at everyone cause she won't respond to your advances" Izzy said in a slightly joking tone, not knowing that he had just signed away his friends for life.  
  
"That's it. We're sick of you acting sour all the time and expecting us to care enough to ask you whats wrong. We don't have to take this kinda shit from someone who we once called a friend. Piss off Izzy, we don't want to be friends with you any more".  
  
And with that Tai let go of Koushiro's shirt collar and sat down. Koushiro stood there silent, feeling slightly stunned at what had just happened.  
  
"You heard Tai Izzy, go away." Sora said in a superior, smirking tone.  
  
He remained still for another moment, trying to take in what had just happened. He had cast away his only friends. He was alone now.  
  
Without saying a word, he turned and slowly walked away, out of the cafeteria. Still slightly shocked, he didn't notice the senior that had threatened him earlier in the morning, walking straight towards him circled in a group of friends, all of them staring at Koushiro with evil smiles on their faces.  
  
He was snapped back to reality when the senior slammed him up against one of the banks of lockers for the second time that day.  
  
"Well well faggot, trying to escape?" The senior said in a slightly slurred voice.  
  
Koushiro looked into the seniors glazed eyes, his heart thumped in his chest and he felt weak.  
  
"Wha...what, I'm not escaping, I'm no faggot....." He said in a stressed tone, kicking himself mentally for forgetting about the senior and the rumour.  
  
"Whatever, you look like a fuckin gay anyway, so shut up". " We hate queers, so we're gonna beat the gay out of you so we won't have to hate you" The senior said in a slightly smirking tone, and his jock posse behind him echoed his smirks with dulled laughter. "We'd do it now, but we got practice so you're gonna have to wait." And with that the group walked off, talking noisily, their conversation punctuated by the odd audible swear word and gay slang.  
  
Koushiro closed his eyes and bit his lip, trying not to cry. He had just lost his friends, and had just found out he wouldn't leave here today without being sore again. He beat the lockers slightly with the backs of his fists, angry at himself for being so stupid. He really hated living, and started to think about finally finishing it all after school......  
  
  
  



	4. Suffer so alone part 4

OK, I've included part three, its been so long since I've written even I've forgotten what its about.   
  
Suffer so alone Part 3  
******  
Koushiro's heart jumped as he saw the seniors coming towards him, and his walking pace slowed. The seniors continued looking at him, but made no move to speed up their pace or move in on him. He moved over to the left wall of the hallway as they drew closer, and stopped. The seniors kept looking at him, and koushiros heart screamed as they came only a few feet away. He forced himself to not run away, thinking it was better to take what was coming rather than delay it.  
  
The seniors walked straight past him, giving him a few odd looks as they did so, but not slowing down, stopping or making any comments towards him. After they had past him, Koushiro let out the breath he had been holding, and leant his left hand on the wall to steady himself. His beating had been averted for the moment. After a minute or two, he managed to regain his composure, and he came to the realisation that it was impossible for the whole school to know the rumour and know who he was. Looking up at the cafeteria doors, he let out a small whimper, because he knew without a doubt that there were hundreds of people in there who knew the rumour, many of whom who wanted to hurt him undoubtedly.  
  
Many among us would simply decide not to face the situation, to run and hide in the toilets, to cower away and be in fear. Koushiro did not want to be hurt again, but he had lost so must self belief that he had got to the point where he didn't care what happened, a part of him almost wanted him to be beaten, so he would have what was needed to push him over the edge.........push him to the point where he could end it all.  
  
So he sighed slightly and continued walking towards the cafeteria doors, two parts of him each wanting something to happen....conflicting each other. He pushed open the red plywood doors, releasing a barrage of voices, clinking cutlery and plates, punctuated with shout sand laughter at occasions. Looking around, he saw no one had spotted him, so he made his way over to his friends, who were sitting at the same table they occupied every lunchtime.   
  
"Hey Izzy, how's it going?" Asked Sora in a cheery voice.  
  
"Fine." He replied in a rather dull and defensive tone.  
  
"Jeez Izzy I'm sorry, I was just being friendly...." replied Sora in a hurt little voice.  
  
Some friends. Just ignore me and talk about how fantastic Tai is and how good he is at soccer and how much you like him. Thought Koushiro, his face punctuating his thoughts with a sullen, sour scowl.  
"Don't you speak to Sora that was Izumi" Tai said in an edgy, sharp voice.  
  
Tai only used peoples last names when he was very angry at them, and because of his blatantly obvious attraction to Sora, it didn't take much to make him angry when anyone spoke poorly to her.  
  
Koushiro didn't reply to this, he just sat there staring at the edge of the table, the scowl on his face getting deeper and he thought about what terrible friends they were to him.  
  
"What do you care" Koushiro grumbled angrily to himself. The others heard what he said and were rather taken back, silently shocked at Koushiro's terrible mindset and mood. They sat there with there mouths slightly ajar, staring at him with dumbfounded eyes.  
  
Tai however, was seething. Since he was 'the leader', he usually took control of these scenes, in his own way. Koushiro was aware of this, Tai had bruised Matt several times back in the digiworld when he was defiant, and he wasn't shy about using his fists to prove a point.  
  
Tai stood up, kicked his chair back with his heel and walked angrily round the small metal table to where Koushiro was, and grabbed him by the shirt collar. He jerked him up violently, much to Koushiros surprise, and pulled him close so his face was only inches away from his own.  
  
"Listen geek, don't you come over here and disrespect us all" Tai said in a quiet voice that was as cold as ice.  
  
Koushiro stared back into Tai's angry brown eyes, rather stunned at how vicious the response to his comment had been. He didn't know what to say. He knew he had been disrespectful to all of them, but he felt angry at the type of friends they had been to him. He felt he had a point he needed to put across to Tai.  
  
"Oh yeah Tai, kiss ass to Sora like you always do, you're just pissed off at everyone cause she won't respond to your advances" Izzy said in a slightly joking tone, not knowing that he had just signed away his friends for life.  
  
"That's it. We're sick of you acting sour all the time and expecting us to care enough to ask you what's wrong. We don't have to take this kinda shit from someone who we once called a friend. Piss off Izzy, we don't want to be friends with you any more".  
  
And with that Tai let go of Koushiro's shirt collar and sat down. Koushiro stood there silent, feeling slightly stunned at what had just happened.  
  
"You heard Tai Izzy, go away." Sora said in a superior, smirking tone.  
  
He remained still for another moment, trying to take in what had just happened. He had cast away his only friends. He was alone now.  
  
Without saying a word, he turned and slowly walked away, out of the cafeteria. Still slightly shocked, he didn't notice the senior that had threatened him earlier in the morning, walking straight towards him circled in a group of friends, all of them staring at Koushiro with evil smiles on their faces.  
  
He was snapped back to reality when the senior slammed him up against one of the banks of lockers for the second time that day.  
  
"Well well faggot, trying to escape?" The senior said in a slightly slurred voice.  
  
Koushiro looked into the seniors glazed eyes, his heart thumped in his chest and he felt weak.  
  
"Wha...what, I'm not escaping, I'm no faggot....." He said in a stressed tone, kicking himself mentally for forgetting about the senior and the rumour.  
  
"Whatever, you look like a fuckin gay anyway, so shut up". " We hate queers, so we're gonna beat the gay out of you so we won't have to hate you" The senior said in a slightly smirking tone, and his jock posse behind him echoed his smirks with dulled laughter. "We'd do it now, but we got practice so you're gonna have to wait." And with that the group walked off, talking noisily, their conversation punctuated by the odd audible swear word and gay slang.  
  
Koushiro closed his eyes and bit his lip, trying not to cry. He had just lost his friends, and had just found out he wouldn't leave here today without being sore again. He beat the lockers slightly with the backs of his fists, angry at himself for being so stupid. He really hated living, and started to think about finally finishing it all after school......  
  
******  
Well, there's part 3. I apologise for it, I believe it's far from believable or decent. I hope this part makes up for it.  
  
******  
Suffer so alone part 4  
  
"BBBRRRRINGGGGGGG"   
  
The harsh, sanitary sound of the school bell resonated through the classrooms at Odaiba high, jarring Koushiro out of his troubled thoughts back to reality.   
  
"Right class, once you've copied the homework you can go" Said Koushiro's maths teacher in a loud booming voice.   
  
Koushiro looked up at the lines and lines of homework they had, and reluctantly copied it down. He didn't want this school day to end. He was afraid. Afraid of the people who awaited him, afraid of what he might do when he got home. But destiny could not be averted much longer. He sullenly packed his books back into his bag, stood up, adjusted his uniform, and walked out of the classroom.  
  
He silently fought his way through the bustling hallway to an exit, and walked out, onto the school grounds. He moved as one with the mass of people making their way to the front gate, looking around nervously, looking out for the seniors.   
  
A hand grabbed the back of his shirt collar, jerking him back to reality, gagging as his shirt clutched at his throat. He was pulled to the side of the crowd, much to the annoyance of several students, and then dragged along to the other side of the classroom he had been travelling past. His eyes never met the face of the person, he was being dragged sideways, his mind driving at a thousand thoughts a second, and the reality of what was happening never hit him till he was shoved against the wall of the building.  
  
He forced his eyes to look up. The senior who had initially confronted him was standing directly in front of him, his bulk emanating an aura of domination. He was flanked on either side by three other seniors, all of similar bulk, all with the same look of contempt and nieve justice inscribed on their faces.  
  
"Caught ya" The head senior said flatly.  
  
His words were simple. Koushiro expected more, but instead the senior drove his point home with a hard right punch to his stomach.  
  
Koushiro retched, and crumpled to the ground, screeching faintly as he fought for breath. His mind raced again, he fought helplessly to get air, but he plainly heard what the senior said.  
  
"Any teachers round?"  
  
"No?"  
  
"Sweet"  
  
Koushiro's mind was unable to process what then happened. Kicks from three of the group bit viciously at his small form, but he did not feel them. His mind vacated itself to the point where all he felt was one long band of high frequency pain. His face was frozen in a look of horror and fear, showing no real time emotion. His eyes jerked with each kick, their form radiating the fear his face was showing.  
  
The world moved on several metres away, fully cognisant of what was happening, but not stepping in. The crowd of students was punctuated with small gasps of horror as they saw what was happening. They slowed slightly, but kept moving, too shocked to think about interfering, their faces frozen as they took in the vicious kicks and evil grins lighting the faces of the seniors as they dealt their vigilante justice.  
  
A few moments later, Tai and Sora walked past the point. Sora gasped and grabbed onto Tai's shirt  
  
"Oh my god Tai, is that Izzy over there?" she asked faintly  
  
Tai craned his neck slightly to see above her, and he was shocked to see how viciously savage the beating was that was taking place. His initial reaction was to run over and help, but he caught himself, remembering what had happened earlier  
  
"Tai, we have to do something...." Sora said  
  
"N....No Sora, remember he said he didn't want us as friends anymore.., and look at those seniors....the,..they'd pulverise us if we tried"  
  
"What? We can just leave him there!" Sora said, horrified to hear what he was saying  
  
"Just leave it Sora, we....I don't know, look, he said we were bad friends or something like that, he was rude to you and you know how he's been acting, so come on, just keep walking"  
  
With that Tai took Sora's arm and firmly pulled her along. Sora looked back in despair, and locked eyes with Koushiro for a brief moment. She felt her heart retch as she saw the pain and disbelief in his eyes. Her eyes held his for a moment more, until she collided with the back of another student, forcing her to look away. As Tai pulled her further along she could not shake the memory of his eyes, she felt sick she hadn't stepped in.  
  
******  
The apartment door thumped against the plaster board wall, and Koushiro staggered through it to the hallway. He blindly grabbed for the door and knocked it closed, before collapsing into a shaking heap in the corner of the entrance and the left wall of the hallway. He closed his eyes tightly, grasped his torn, wet shirt with trembling hands, and huddled in the corner shaking, whimpering slightly. Through his shaken mind he could feel the cold of his sodden clothes against his bruised skin.  
  
Shortly after the seniors had finished laying into him, leaving him as a bloodied and crumpled heap it had started to rain. He had remained where he had fallen, his only movement an unconscious whimpering, his anthracite eyes vacantly watching the falling rain, his mind emptied of thought. A time later he had woken up to what had happened, which spurred his emotions. He had staggered home, breathing in rasping spurts, each step shaking him up more, making him feel worse physically and mentally.  
  
Now as he sat huddled in the corner, sobbing slightly, his emotions flooded back to him. He remained there, shaking and whimpering for several hours, while the world outside moved on and the light in the apartment faded.  
  
"Tai, you're dinners getting cold, come to the table and eat honey"  
Tai was shaken out of his thoughts by his mothers calling  
"Uhh,...coming mom" he called in a voice, lightly tinged with uncertainty.  
He could not shake the thoughts of what had happened that day. He could not quite believe how he had reacted to Koushiro earlier in the day, and he could not shake the image of his small form huddled on the ground, cowering in fear. He could not figure what had caused him to drag himself and Sora away from it, he could not believe he had left his friend....  
  
Koushiro squinted as he turned on the bathroom light and walked in. He staggered to the fittment in front of the mirror, and propped himself up on the basins edge. He was still breathing in rasps, and he raised his eyes slightly to the image on the mirror. He cringed slightly when he saw his face. Both his eyes had deep black bruising circling them, and his left one was swollen to a purple slit. His nose was dark with dried blood and both nostrils were clogged with the stuff. His left cheek had a long, oval shaped bruise which was the colour of a ripe plum, the result of the only kick delivered to his face. It was by far the worst looking injury, and in conjunction with his mangled eye, the whole left side of his face was a swollen, purple blotch. His lips were cut and swollen in many places, thankfully all his teeth remained, although the front ones were stuck to his lips with dried blood from his haemorrhaged gums. He uttered a slightly humoured grunt. Oh how the teachers would react to this. His mind drifted on slightly further, and he was glad his parents were away for several more days, his mother would be horrified if she saw him..........  
  
  
His mother.  
  
He had known about the death of his real parents for some time now, but the mere thought of it still cut him up inside. He laughed slightly, then his lip began to quiver and he dropped down slowly to his knees, his eyes closed and brimming with tears. He coughed slightly, and then began to cry again. He abandoned his hold on the basins edge, and slumped down into a heap on the ground, his body racked with sobs as he thought of his parents, his friends, his life.......  
  
"Tai, what's the matter?"  
  
Tai shook his head slightly and came out of deep thought for the second time that evening.   
  
"Nothings the matter Kari, I was just thinking about something..." Tai replied to his little sister, who was watching him with anxious eyes.  
  
"Thinking about what Tai, has it got something to do with what you and Sora were arguing about when she called before?" Kari asked, referring to the tense conversation Tai had had with Sora, who had called, worried sick about Koushiro. Tai had tried to maintain the facade he had put up earlier, that Koushiro didn't deserve them as friends, and that he deserved what had been coming to him. But he didn't believe himself. He was aching inside for what he had done and witnessed with Koushiro, and after some deep thinking, it had become apparent to him that Koushiro may have been making a plea to them for help when he was angry and quiet. Tai knew that he was being bullied, he knew how he tried to cover up his anguish over his parents death, he knew that he needed his friends. Tai knew he had over reacted earlier, he knew he had lashed out as his friend, he knew he should have tried to help. Over the space of a few hours Tai came to realise that Koushiro was actually one of his best friends in a different sort of way, and he realised that he needed to see if his friend was ok, he needed to say he was sorry, and make things better.  
  
"Kari, I have to go and see Izzy, I'll be back in a bit ok?"  
  
"Sure Tai, say hi to him from me"   
  
Tai huddled into his jacket as he ran through the driving wind and rain pelting down on the city to Koushiro's apartment block. They were quite close, so it was only a couple of minutes before Tai stood, shivering infront of the Izumi's apartment door.  
He knocked heavily on the door and waited, moving back and forth as he tried to get warm. There was no answer so he knocked again. Still no answer. Tai was too cold to wait any longer, so he tried the handle, and was slightly surprised when the door opened. He stepped through the doorway and looked around the apartment, then closed the door behind him.   
  
There were no lights on in the apartment, and it was as cold as it had been outside. Tai shivered, cleared his throat and called Koushiro's name. There was no answer, but Tai thought he heard a shuffling somewhere in the dark. He slowly walked further into the apartment, checking each room as he went. He came to the bathroom, pushed open the door and felt for the lightswitch.  
  
"Do..don't turn on the light, please, tai, don't" A shaky voice said from the dark  
  
"Izzy, whats...why...umm, Izzy, I don't know what to say...." Tai blurted out, not exactly sure what to say first.  
  
"I..i thought you hated me..." Koushiro whispered, before the tears got to him again, and the darkness was punctuated by a choked sobbing"  
  
"Man Izzy, I don't know what to say......I'm so sorry...." Tai whispered in reply, with tears beginning to well in his eyes.  
  
Koushiro made no reply to this, the only sound was a gentle sobbing. Tai's eyes had become adjusted to the dark, and he could make out a shape, hunched up on the floor, shaking slightly.  
  
"Wh..why can't I turn on the light?" He asked softly  
  
"Because you can't, jus..just don't, please"   
  
Tai stepped forward into the room a bit, and suddenly grabbed onto the doorframe as his foot slipped out from, under him. He stepped forward gingerly, and lifted his left foot slightly. It felt gluggy, as it he had stepped in something more than water. He bent down and touched the liquid...it definitely wasn't water.... He raised his hand up to his face and rubbed his fingers together....  
  
"What the..." He whispered absently, as he smelt the liquid...  
  
He stepped back slightly, and fumbled for the light switch, ignoring Koushiro's earlier request.  
  
He found it, and flicked it on. The fluorescent tube flickered several times, and Tai gasped at what he saw in the strobe like effect.......  
  
******  
Well there you go! I hope that wasn't too bad. I was going to make this a long and very eventful part, but I thought a little more suspense might help. I once again apologise for the very long delay for this part, and I promise you part 5 will be out much faster. Thankyou for reading this, please review it, and I must say a big thankyou to all those people who reviewed my other stories and said they couldn't wait for this part, I hope you all got to read it, and I hope the rest of the series is worth the wait I made you endure. I also suggest you read the latest fanfic of my pal Genevieve, which should be out soon, and is called congratulations. Before you do so I suggest you read her 'week at the kamiya' series though, cause all her pieces are linked.  
Thanks again for waiting so patiently for this piece, and I promise part 5 will be here soon.  
  
  



	5. Suffer so alone part 5

Suffer so alone part 5  
  
Thankyou so much to everyone that reviewed my story, I kind of thought everyone who cared about this series would have either forgotten about it or moved on. But no, I was proved wrong! You are still out there, and I thank you so much for your patience on the last part. Here is part 5, which I started the day I finished part 4. And it took me over a month to finish. Eeghh I am so sorry. Anyway, in part 4 Tai came to his senses and realised what he had done to Koushiro, and had gone over to try and make amends. He found him in the bathroom....  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon or any characters, but I do own this fic.  
  
*****  
Suffer so alone part 5  
  
Tai stepped back in fear, hoping that the liquid on his fingers wasn't what he thought it was. His hand swiped blindly for the light switch, and finding it, pushed it down. The room was flooded in strobe light, and the sight that met Tai's eyes in the brief illumination stopped his heart. His mind refused to register what it had seen, racing with a million thoughts, hopes and shocks as his worst fears were shoved at him in millisecond time lengths...  
  
The light finally stopped flickering, and cast the room with a permanent cold, sterile light. The sight that met Tai's eyes hit him like a sledgehammer.   
  
"Wh..wh...w...what...."   
  
He could not believe he was seeing the sight in front of him. He stared down at the floor next to the basin fitment.  
  
The sight that greeted him was one that would remain in his mind as long as he lived. The human brain finds it impossible to forget a sight which is so horrific that all thinking ceases momentarily, and only its primitive side, which is devoid of emotion still functions. Tai did not register what he saw for several seconds....  
  
Koushiro lay in a crumpled lump next to the basin fitment, his body limp and dark. His crushed face was deformed of its shape slightly as it lay heavily on the cold tiled floor, its deep purple bruising contrasting heavily with its white finish. His left eye lay swollen, bruised and rendered ineffective by his position, and his right was barely open, and looked out blankly at Tai with a soulless, glazed view. His sodden clothing scarcely resembled the schools uniform, with its shirt unbuttoned and torn, and pants wet and crushed. But that sight was only part of the image which hit Tai. Koushiro's mangled body lay in a wet crumpled heap on the cold tile, looking barely alive, but the shock to Tai was the blood. Koushiro lay where he had fallen, surrounded by a slick of dark brown and slightly clotted blood. As Tai's eyes took in the scene, they travelled over the slick, to where it had welled from. Koushiros right arm lay cast out from his body, its pale white skin perfect, except for his wrist. A long, deep cut cut its way harshly across the smooth surface, its upper edge ragged with dried blood, its lower edge still punctuated with a slow stream of bright red, which lay pooling next to his waist. His left arm lay down across the floor, so no cut was visible, but it was obvious it had undergone the same treatment.   
  
The scene did not register entirely with Tai. Later, at the hospital, he couldn't recollect the call to the ambulance, the ride to the hospital, or what he had done when they had arrived. He sat silently, staring at the white wall of the hospital waiting room, the stunned look still imprinted on his face, his hands twitching slightly, his mind blank of all reason.  
  
"Tai, Tai honey? Oh god, Tai.."   
  
His mother hurried over to where he was, her face showing her disbelief at what the nurse who had contacted her had said, and her relief that Tai was all right.  
  
"Wh...wha..mo..mom" Tai whispered, shifting his line of sight to her, but still staring in total shock.  
  
"Oh god Tai..i don't...oh god" His mother broke down slightly, then fell forward and hugged him tightly.   
  
His mothers comforting presence broke the ice which was encasing his emotions and understanding of what had happened. The events began to dawn on him, and soon he broke down, letting his emotions run. He wrapped his arms around his mother and began to sob as it sank in.  
  
Kari and his father looked on in stunned silence, the shock of what had happened plainly showing on their faces.  
  
*****  
Koujiro Izumi looked down at the pained face of his sleeping wife. He held her body in his arms passively, still reeling from the shock of the phonecall.   
  
He had been typing a report in his hotel room when the phone rung.  
  
"Am I speaking to Mr Koujiro Izumi?" A sombre voice had asked.  
  
"Yes"  
  
"Mr Izumi I have some bad news.....you might want to sit down first"  
  
He had taken the advice, his mind filling with thoughts, the first of which involved his wife in a car crash..  
  
"Mr Izumi, do you have a son named Koushiro?"  
  
"Yes.."  
  
"Mr Izumi, umm.....I'm sorry this is never easy.." The voice had said  
  
"Mr Izumi, your son Koushiro, well...he attempted suicide this afternoon"  
  
The line went deathly quiet. Koujiro simply sat in stunned silence, unable to believe what the voice had told him.  
  
"No, this muss....this must be a mistake, my son's fine..." He stuttered  
  
"I'm terribly sorry to have to call you, but I have to inform next of kin, and I must ask you, will you be able to come and identify your son"  
  
The way the voice said it, it sounded like he had died. Koujiro had muttered something in reply, and then travelled to the airport in a daze. The flight back to Odaiba was a blur, the only thing he could recall was his wife's shattered face, and his sons limp, bruised body in the plain hospital room.  
  
He took off his glasses and wiped his eyes. His wifes sleeping form rested heavily on his chest, her arms curled over his chest, her eyelids red and tightly clenched, her tired body quiet of the sobs that had racked her for hours, earlier on.  
  
He replaced his glasses and shifted his gaze hesitantly to his son. Kojiro felt slightly nauseous every time he looked at him. His son, who had been so perfect, so smart, so precocious, so seemingly void of emotions, had shown his true colours. Kojiro's bottom lip shook slightly as he looked at his sons arms, which were bandaged up to his elbows. He couldn't believe this had happened. He had not seen any signs of pain, heard no cries for help, he had not even been around.....  
  
*****  
  
Ok, I'm sorry, I know that was no where near a months effort, but I have three tests this week, so I'll write part 6 shortly. Hey, I might even get it out next weekend.......I hope so.   
  
Part 6 will probably concentrate more on tai than anyone else, but maybe Koushiro will come around, if he comes around at all.........  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	6. Default Chapter Title 6

Suffer so alone part 6  
  
Well, so much for getting this out a week after part 5...ehh I know I always say this but I'm sorry, its been months since I posted the last part. But you know how it is, exams etc. Anyway my exams are over with now, so I can finally start writing again, and maybe get this series going again. Here's part 5, which will hopefully refresh your memories about what happened, and if you haven't read any of this series yet, you might want to (series are better when you start from square 1). Anyway thanks to everyone who reviewed my last part, and I'm sorry I didn't take heed of the 'threatening' reviews, maybe I should in future :) ....  
Anyway, here's part 5:  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon, it is owned by large companies who have got great taste in programmes :).  
  
*****  
Suffer so alone part 5  
  
Tai stepped back in fear, hoping that the liquid on his fingers wasn't what he thought it was. His hand swiped blindly for the light switch, and finding it, pushed it down. The room was flooded in strobe light, and the sight that met Tai's eyes in the brief illumination stopped his heart. His mind refused to register what it had seen, racing with a million thoughts, hopes and shocks as his worst fears were shoved at him in millisecond time lengths...  
  
The light finally stopped flickering, and cast the room with a permanent cold, sterile light. The sight that met Tai's eyes hit him like a sledgehammer.   
  
"Wh..wh...w...what...."   
  
He could not believe he was seeing the sight in front of him. He stared down at the floor next to the basin fittment.  
  
The sight that greeted him was one that would remain in his mind as long as he lived. The human brain finds it impossible to forget a sight which is so horrific that all thinking ceases momentarily, and only its primitive side, which is devoid of emotion still functions. Tai did not register what he saw for several seconds....  
  
Koushiro lay in a crumpled lump next to the basin fittment, his body limp and dark. His crushed face was deformed of its shape slightly as it lay heavily on the cold tiled floor, its deep purple bruising contrasting heavily with its white finish. His left eye lay swollen, bruised and rendered ineffective by his position, and his right was barely open, and looked out blankly at Tai with a soulless, glazed view. His sodden clothing scarcely resembled the schools uniform, with its shirt unbuttoned and torn, and pants wet and crushed. But that sight was only part of the image which hit Tai. Koushiro's mangled body lay in a wet crumpled heap on the cold tile, looking barely alive, but the shock to Tai was the blood. Koushiro lay where he had fallen, surrounded by a slick of dark brown and slightly clotted blood. As Tai's eyes took in the scene, they travelled over the slick, to where it had welled from. Koushiros right arm lay cast out from his body, its pale white skin perfect, except for his wrist. A long, deep cut cut its way harshly across the smooth surface, its upper edge ragged with dried blood, its lower edge still punctuated with a slow stream of bright red, which lay pooling next to his waist. His left arm lay down across the floor, so no cut was visible, but it was obvious it had undergone the same treatment.   
  
The scene did not register entirely with Tai. Later, at the hospital, he couldn't recollect the call to the ambulance, the ride to the hospital, or what he had done when they had arrived. He sat silently, staring at the white wall of the hospital waiting room, the stunned look still imprinted on his face, his hands twitching slightly, his mind blank of all reason.  
  
"Tai, Tai honey? Oh god, Tai.."   
  
His mother hurried over to where he was, her face showing her disbelief at what the nurse who had contacted her had said, and her relief that Tai was all right.  
  
"Wh...wha..mo..mom" Tai whispered, shifting his line of sight to her, but still staring in total shock.  
  
"Oh god Tai..i don't...oh god" His mother broke down slightly, then fell forward and hugged him tightly.   
  
His mothers comforting presence broke the ice which was encasing his emotions and understanding of what had happened. The events began to dawn on him, and soon he broke down, letting his emotions run. He wrapped his arms around his mother and began to sob as it sank in.  
  
Kari and his father looked on in stunned silence, the shock of what had happened plainly showing on their faces.  
  
*****  
Koujiro Izumi looked down at the pained face of his sleeping wife. He held her body in his arms passively, still reeling from the shock of the phonecall.   
  
He had been typing a report in his hotel room when the phone rung.  
  
"Am I speaking to Mr Koujiro Izumi?" A sombre voice had asked.  
  
"Yes"  
  
"Mr Izumi I have some bad news.....you might want to sit down first"  
  
He had taken the advice, his mind filling with thoughts, the first of which involved his wife in a car crash..  
  
"Mr Izumi, do you have a son named Koushiro?"  
  
"Yes.."  
  
"Mr Izumi, umm.....I'm sorry this is never easy.." The voice had said  
  
"Mr Izumi, your son Koushiro, well...he attempted suicide this afternoon"  
  
The line went deathly quiet. Koujiro simply sat in stunned silence, unable to believe what the voice had told him.  
  
"No, this muss....this must be a mistake, my son's fine..." He stuttered  
  
"I'm terribly sorry to have to call you, but I have to inform next of kin, and I must ask you, will you be able to come and identify your son"  
  
The way the voice said it, it sounded like he had died. Koujiro had muttered something in reply, and then travelled to the airport in a daze. The flight back to Odaiba was a blur, the only thing he could recall was his wife's shattered face, and his sons limp, bruised body in the plain hospital room.  
  
He took off his glasses and wiped his eyes. His wifes sleeping form rested heavily on his chest, her arms curled over his chest, her eyelids red and tightly clenched, her tired body quiet of the sobs that had racked her for hours, earlier on.  
  
He replaced his glasses and shifted his gaze hesitantly to his son. Kojiro felt slightly nauseous every time he looked at him. His son, who had been so perfect, so smart, so precocious, so seemingly void of emotions, had shown his true colours. Kojiro's bottom lip shook slightly as he looked at his sons arms, which were bandaged up to his elbows. He couldn't believe this had happened. He had not seen any signs of pain, heard no cries for help, he had not even been around.....  
  
*****  
  
Well I hope that rekindled your memory, here's part 6:  
  
Suffer so alone part 6  
  
*****  
  
A muffled banging somewhere off in the hospital nudged Tai out of his dozing and the sounds of the quiet room once again came back to him. The space was totally silent except for a sterile electronic beeping and the quiet breathing of his friend. The night had been long for him. He had stayed by his friends bedside the whole night, despite the best efforts of the kindly nurses and his parents, dimly hoping Izzy would awaken. Tai needed to apologise. Guilt lay in him like a brick, constantly reminding him that he was the one responsible for the events that had unfurled over the past day.  
  
He sighed, rubbed his tired eyes and looked up to Izzy's face. He recoiled slightly and blinked at what he saw. Izzy was awake and was staring right at him, his gaze cold, and concentrated by the heavy bruising covering his face.   
Tai had planned his apology over the long night hours, but was lost for words with the shock of seeing his friend conscious so soon, and by the look he had on his face...  
  
"Ih..Izzy..you're..you're awake..." Tai said in a stunned voice  
  
Izzy didn't respond, but his cold stare softened slightly and his lip started to tremble. He looked away quickly and concentrated on the large window on the other side of the room. A light rain fell softly from the deep grey sky, and Izzy stared out to it, fighting back the wave of emotion that had overwhelmed him. He didn't want Tai to see him cry. No, it wasn't anything to do with the male emotionally impassive culture, it was the anger he felt towards him at that moment. He was angry at Tai for how he had acted towards him, angry at Tai for being there in the room, angry at Tai for saving him.  
  
"Izzy I'm sorry" Tai said quickly, but the shock robbed the apology of the effect he had been hoping for.  
  
To Tai's disbelief Izzy snorted sarcastically and asked in a flat, sarcastic voice   
  
"Why?"  
  
Tai was phased by Izzy's reply, he had been expecting him to be a bit disoriented and emotionally straught, but instead he was seemingly angry, and Tai got the unpleasant feeling the anger was aimed at him.  
  
"Fo..for making you,..you know, d..do it..." Tai trailed off, despite the situation, he was unsure of bringing up yesterdays events.  
  
Izzy turned back to Tai, but the sadness on his face had been replaced with anger. His eyes were burning with emotion, and his forehead was creased with a look of hatred.   
  
"Oh don't flatter yourself. You honestly think I'd do this because of you guys? Ha! Gimme a break" He said loudly, the tone of his voice causing Tai to shift in his seat uncomfortably.   
  
Izzy turned back to the window, the look of anger still burning on his face. Tai stared at him in disbelief, totally dumbstruck at what to say next.  
  
"Bu..but the th..thing with me yelling at you and then not doing anything with that fight and stuff" He managed to stutter out an unsure reason for the situation  
  
"You think I wanted your help? God..You know nothing about me.. and you know something else, it really pisses me off the way you think you have to act like the boss all the ti.." Izzy couldn't finish his barrage, he turned away quickly from Tai and fought back tears for the second time.  
  
"Izzy I'm sorry...I guess since I was the leader in the digital world I sorta kept doing it when we got back here, but I didn't know you didn't like it.., what can I say except that I'm sorry"  
  
Tai looked at Izzy hoping from a response, but saw the younger boy was fighting back tears. Tai felt awful, as leader of the group he felt a sense of responsibility for them, and this event had shaken the view he had of his leadership qualities.  
  
He stood up gingerly and moved closer to the bed. Izzy felt his presence and shifted his gaze to Tai's face. He looked away quickly, not wanting for Tai to see him crying.  
  
"Izzy please, I'm sorry for how I've been treating you, and about that whole thing yesterday at lunch..please, I'm really sorry..." Tai trailed off, the same way Izzy had. He was overcome with a tense feeling that he was never going to forgive him, and it was choked up in the back of his throat.  
  
"Ta..tai, its not your fault..please, I need to think for a while, maybe you should go see your parents" Even in his fraught emotional state he was still a logical thinker, though his voice was quiet and wavering as he tried not to cry.  
  
Tai nodded and walked quietly out of the room, closing the door quietly and leaving his friend alone, staring out the window at the grey city.  
  
******  
  
The rain was light and misty, and Tai shivered slightly as he sat on a bench in the deserted park. He was soaked, his wild hair plastered flat over his scalp, his goggles clasped in his hands, his head turned towards the ground so the scarce passer-by's wouldn't see him crying. A weak smile flashed across his face as he thought of how Izzy would have dealt with his parents. He knew for a fact that he wasn't very open with his them, the times he had accompanied him to his house the only contact he gave them was a wave and a small hello in passing as they went to his room. Tai imagined he was like that most of the time, and that interactions on an emotion level had probably had and never would happen. He was emotionally shy with their whole group, the times when things were obviously troubling him, he simply said it was too much homework and smiled, but Tai saw the false smile fade the instant he thought no eyes were upon him. Once when the two of them were alone he had confronted him about what was wrong, but Izzy had refused to talk and simply told him that he was stressing over his school grades. Since he was uncomfortable talking Tai had nodded and gone along with the story, although he knew Izzy didn't think he was fooling him.  
  
A raindrop clung to the end of Tai's eyebrow, causing his eye to twitch and to bring him back to the real world. He looked up over the grey park and remembered the one time it had rained back in the Digiworld. The group were sheltering in a large cave which opened out into a small clearing surrounded by dense forest, and they had all been sleeping soundly after a long day of walking. Tai had awoken deep in the night to see two figures huddling together at the mouth of the cave, which was only a few metres where he lay at the outskirts of the group. Their voices were low, scarcely audible over the falling rain, although one was punctuated every now and again with a small gasp and choking, as if the person was crying. The other figure, who was taller spoke in soft, low tones every so often, which made the smaller one cry further. It took little time for Tai to realise it was Sora and Izzy. As he listened he soon realised why he spent so long behind his laptop's screen, and why he spoke only when the situation required it. They had talked for a further hour, and then after a reassuring embrace Sora had silently stood and returned to her bed, pausing slightly by Tai, as if to confirm a suspicion. He had closed his eyes when she stood up, and kept them that way until she had passed by him. He watched the small huddled figure silhouetted by the scarce moonlight remain, sniffling slightly and rubbing his eyes. The next morning the two of them frequently exchanged glances, and the darkness under Izzys eyes had intensified his sad gaze as he hid away behind his computer.   
  
Thunder rolled across the quiet park bringing reality once again, and Tai unconsciously raised a hand to his face to wipe away the rain, but gave up halfway and let it fall back to his side. He became aware night had begun to roll in, and the thought that he should get home before his parents began to worry crossed his mind, but he didn't feel up to their sympathy and well wishes and felt his own company was what he wanted. Thunder rolled again and the misty rain which had been falling throughout the day began to fall in drives. Tai barely noticed, lost in his own thoughts as night rolled in and an ill wind began to drive.  
  



	7. Suffer so alone part 7

I would like to thank everyone who has reviewed this series so far, I went back and read all the parts and the reviews for all of them and it amazes me there are so many nice people out there, thanks.  
  
In particular I would like to thank potted_palm, who gives the most outstanding reviews, and is one of only two people to have me on author alert. Thanks palm, your reviews are truly inspirational and I'm honoured to be on your author alert list. ^_^  
  
Suffer so alone part 7  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Digimon.  
  
******  
Ms Takenouchi cringed as the phones receiver crashed onto the cradle for the 15th time that evening, and looked up at her daughter, who was pacing round nervously, her face fraught with frustration and more than a hint of worry.  
  
"Still no answer?" She motioned carefully.  
  
"No, mom, what should I do? There's been no answer at either of their houses since last night, and I'm really worried about Izzy.."   
  
"Well normally I'd recommend that we go to his apartment, but I have to be at this dinner in half an hour and there's no way you're going out in this weather" Ms Takenouchi gestured to the window and Sora saw that the night was very dark, a strong wind was blowing and the rain was hammering down. She nodded reluctantly, as much as she felt concern for her friends, she knew in that weather it would quite literally be dangerous for her to go out.  
  
Sora's mother stood up and walked over to her daughter.   
  
"I'm sure everything will be fine sweetie, its probably just bad luck that every time you've called they've been out or unable to answer, I'm sure they're OK"   
  
"I guess you're right mom" Sora replied, accepting that just because they weren't answering the phone didn't mean it was time to call out the national guard.  
  
"They're lucky to have a friend like you cares enough to worry though, we're all very lucky to have you" Mrs Takenouchi said, hugging her daughter tighter. She felt proud that her daughter was always looking out for others, and that she cared so much about peoples well being.  
  
She held her daughter for several moments, enjoying the closeness. When Sora had returned from the digital world she noticed she had possessed a new love for her, and she felt likewise. The two of them were closer than ever before and despite the fact that she still was not actively open about her social life she noticed that Sora was much closer to her group of friends, which was small, but very close.   
  
"Well I suppose I should be going, you know how traffic behaves in weather like this"  
  
"OK mom, have a good time"  
  
"Thankyou, I will, and don't worry about Izzy or Tai, they're fine, I know it" she added a reassuring smile  
  
Sora nodded and they hugged again, then her mother gathered her coat and with a wave left for her evening out. She sighed and turned to the window to watch her drive away, then closed the curtain and shivered at the weather. It was not a nice night to be out.  
  
******  
  
Izzy sighed and turned back to the window, glad that his parents and the counsellor had finally left and he was by himself again. The past three hours had been as enjoyable as he had anticipated, his mother had sobbed away like a wretched maiden, his father had been silent but successful in making him feel bad, and the counsellor had patronised him with every word he spoke, until he just ignored them all and said he didn't feel like talking about it just now. Eventually the counsellor had suggested they give him some time and come back to it later, and they had left, although his mother required some rather stern persuading from her husband until she finally exited.   
  
It was such a relief to see them go. He did not feel comfortable talking to anyone about it, the problems he had were his own and it made him feel nervous sharing them. He stared out into the raging night, although there was little to see through the plate glass except black and the only indication the weather was bad was the way in which the rain drops were being slaughtered against the glass by the wind.  
  
He turned back over and sighed again. He didn't feel quite so angry anymore that the attempt had failed. The minute the blade had fallen to the floor he knew he'd made a mistake, but it was a scary situation in which he suddenly realised it wasn't worth it but it was too late to do anything. Seeing all that blood gushing out was scary as well, it had literally plastered the fittments and the floor, then when he slipped over and found himself unable to get up the earlier feelings had had a renaissance, so when Tai had walked in he didn't want to be saved or be with anyone, he had wanted his last moments to be with himself. But no, his arms had been bound with towels, and Tai had knelt in the blood holding him until he fell unconscious, then had been by his bedside when he woke up. Then he had driven him away, hitting him with a barrage of feelings he didn't really feel, obviously hurting him to try and make his anger at Tai for saving him reasonable. So much for being the emotionless geek behind the computer.  
  
******  
"Why won't you pick up??" Sora muttered in frustration under her breath, there was still no answer at either of her friends apartments.  
  
She put the phone down, gently this time, and stood for a second, thinking. It was 9.30, should she call Matt and ask if he knew where they were?  
  
"Hi Matt, it's Sora here"  
  
"Oh, hey Sora, hows it going?"  
  
"Fine thanks, hey do you know if Tai was going away at all today?"  
  
"Tai? I don't think so"  
  
"What about Izzy?"  
  
"I dunno, I haven't talked to him since that lunchtime...."  
  
"Oh..."  
  
"Why, is something up?"  
  
"Probably not, but did you hear he was beaten up?"  
  
"What? Is he OK??"  
  
"I don't know, that's what I called you for, I've been calling all day but there's no answer at his or Tai's apartment, do you think something might have happened?"  
  
"I don't know..what happened with Izzy?"  
  
"I don't know exactly, but Matt, it was horrible, there were a group of seniors and he looked at me desperately but Tai just pulled me away.." She retched out a sob at the image of his scared eyes staring at her, asking for help, but being unable to do anything and leaving him there..  
  
"Whoa, whoa. Sora, it's OK, slow down and tell me what happened again"  
  
She took a deep breath and held it for a moment, trying to regain her composure.  
  
"Well, Tai and I were walking home, and then all of a sudden I saw this groups of seniors kicking something on the ground, I thought it was nothing until I looked again and saw Izzy staring back at me...Matt he was beaten up by a group of seniors three times his size.." She broke down again, leaving Matt speechless.  
  
Matt was stunned at what she said, and unsure of what to say. Her words had come as a dramatic shock since he had not been paying much attention to his friends recently, lost instead in his own personal problems.  
"Umm,...so you don't know if he's all right?"  
  
"Matt...I just realised his parents are out of town again..theres no way he could be OK..." Sora replied, her heart freezing with the revelation, the seniors had been laying into him with great force, and with no one to take care of him she was sure he was in trouble.  
  
"Well do you want me to go and check on him?" Matt asked without hesitating, he may have been experiencing difficulties in his life, but that didn't mean he wouldn't put himself out to help his friends.  
  
"Matt you...you can't, just look outside"  
  
He glanced out the window and saw the night raging, but wasn't phased.  
  
"I'll go and see if he's home, then call you back" He replied with conviction, then said goodbye and hung up.  
  
Sora put the phone back with an unsure expression, pleased someone was checking on Izzy, but doubtful at whether Matt should be going out in the ill weather. She wiped her lip and looked around the apartment, unsure of what to do.  
  
  
******  
  
Matt pulled on his jacket and gave the weather an equivocal look, not looking forward to getting soaked, but at the same time never entertaining the possibility of staying home and hoping Izzy was fine.  
He stepped out of the door into the biting wind, pleased that his Dad was working late, he was positive he wouldn't be to ecstatic to have his son sneaking out at night into this weather. Doing his best to walk quickly through the screaming night he put his head down, dug his hands into his jacket pockets and made the short journey to his friends apartment.  
Although the journey only took about 5 minutes, when he stood on the Izumi's doorstep he was soaked and shivering despite his jacket and long pants. He knocked on the door forcefully, huddling close to the entrance and shifting from one foot to the other impatiently, muttering for someone to answer. There was no reply, so he knocked several more times. Still no reply. He tried again. The house stayed silent.   
  
"Where is he.." Matt muttered with a frown. He was getting ever more soaked, so he turned and entered the elevator. He paused and brushed his wet hair out of his eyes, contemplating what his next step should be.  
  
******  
Izzy flicked the Tv off and deposited the remote on his bedside table with a clatter. He took several fast, deep breaths and rubbed his hand over his forehead. He felt awful, all hot and sick and tired. Very, very tired. He had been feeling fine when the nurse came by an hour ago to give him another dose of painkillers, but soon after she left a heavy feeling of nausea had crept over him quietly, forcing him to push aside the bedding and breath heavily. Then the fatigue had hit him. His eyes could barely stay open and he had lost all interest in the program he was watching. He let out the breath he was holding slowly, his arm draped across his forehead, his eyes closed and his face red. He remained in this position for several minutes, slowly drifting off to sleep, then his arm relaxed and slid down to lay across his chest, and he lay sleeping. His mind was quiet now, but his last thought had sleepily questioned the bandaging of his arms, they were loose and he wondered..., then he had fallen into his current state, asleep.  
  
  



	8. Suffer so alone part 8

Suffer so alone part 8  
  
I'd just like to sincerely thank everyone who's reviewed this series so far, and I'm sorry it's all taken so long.  
*****  
Sora yawned and rolled over, then glanced at her bedside alarm.  
  
7.02 am  
  
She yawned again and turned away from the glowing red digits, basking in the glorious feeling that it was Sunday and activity did not have to happen for several hours to come.   
  
Matt.  
  
His name flashed through her mind, causing her to open her eyes and discard the lazy bliss. He had never called back last night. She remembered sitting in the lounge until her mother returned, around 1 am, fidgeting and waiting for the phone to ring. Ms Takenouchi was surprised to see her daughter still up, she hadn't been angry, but Sora usually exited around ten, siting having to rise at 6.30 the next morning her reason. She had made Tea while they talked, and they had sat quietly whilst drinking it, which made Sora feel comfortable, her mother's presence gave security. Finally she had sighed and said she was ready to sleep, and Sora had agreed. They said goodnight and parted, feeling strangely warm and loving to each other, more so than normal.  
  
*****  
"Matt"  
  
"MATT!!"  
  
Matt stirred at the sound of his name and opened his sleepy eyes a fraction to see his father, pyjama-clad and looking rather irritated, towering above his bed holding the phone with an outstretched hand.  
  
"It's Sora, tell her to call later in future"  
  
He handed the phone to Matt and ambled out the door back to his room.  
  
"Hello" Matt mumbled in a flat voice  
  
"Matt, its Sora, I hope this isn't too inconvenient.."  
  
"Don't worry, its fine" Matt replied, naturally the polar opposite of what he was thinking  
  
"Matt, why didn't you call me back last night?"  
  
He sighed and shuffled round onto his back, and let out a small yawn  
  
"I didn't get back until 10.30, and knowing you I would have woken you if I'd called at that time"  
  
"Oh, I stayed up waiting for you..why did it take so long? You left at nine didn't you?"  
  
"Yeah, I went To Izzy's and there was no one home, so I waited round for a bit trying to figure out what to do"  
  
"So...what did you do?"  
  
"I.. I walked round a bit, seeing if any of his neighbours were home"  
  
"And were they?"  
  
"No, they were all out, or asleep or something, I'm sorry"  
  
"Bu.." Sora was at a loss for words. Something had happened. She knew it.  
  
"Are..you Ok?" Matt wasn't particularly sure what to say either, he didn't really understand the situation she was in  
  
"Yeah,..yeah I'll be Ok, sorry to have bothered you Matt, I'll see you at school"  
  
She hung up before he could reply. Matt sat looking at the phone, wondering about Izzy and what was going on.  
  
*****  
  
The soft rain was falling once again after the evenings raging stand, the muffled grey Odaiba sky once again framing the trees and grass of the park, which stood silent.  
  
The park was silent, the rain being more of a baffle then a disturbance.  
  
Tai's eyes stared blankly onto this scene. Infantile drops of rain dotted his sodden form, his face animated by occasional flinches but otherwise hollow, far-gone. His mind was empty, his body still. Thought would predict that movement would be uncomfortable. But no thoughts ran through, an empty state of bare consciousness had taken him. His goggles, once symbols of courage and support, lay on the debris ridden grass under the bench, which was sickly and sparse from uncaring feet too involved in their own thoughts to care.   
  
He had stumbled to this bench last night in a choked daze, his friend's cold sentiment casting his dawned fears to the reality he had feared. Izzy had been unwilling to take his apologies and remorsed feelings to heart. He had not wanted the people who were nonchalant before to make their false amends at a time where he was too scared and embarrassed to engage in human contact.  
  
So now Tai lay slumped on the bench, his body tired and seized from a night exposed to the uncaring elements, the few passer-bys too hardened by big city living to cast more than a single glance at him. Sometime after he had arrived, a feeling of sickness had forced him to lie down, he had cried, dry painful retches, his emotional balance blind sided, the image of his friend lying crumpled in his own blood still burning in his mind. He had not slept, his mind painfully running over the horrific event he had endured, his body shaking as the wind dragged the rain screaming to its death on his weakened form.  
  
His body had given up the fight sometime in the am, he had ceased shivering and just lay there submissive. He was now beyond reclaiming control. He lay stranded on the bench, his tired and racked body tiredly scraping at the light, his mind empty.  
  
*****  
  
Sora clacked the pen onto the wooden tabletop, collected her shoulder bag and left the apartment with a mission, leaving an efficient and clear note for her mother. She pulled the zipper on her jacket up as she hurried purposefully along the empty footpath, small droplets of rain slicking her face, which was set with concentration as she covered the six blocks to the modern and imposing Odaiba hospital. Her chest tightened as she passed through the sliding doors, her fears about to be either rejected or confirmed, the latter she almost hoped for, she was blank for ideas on where to look for him if the response was negative.  
  
She solemnly walked to the reception desk and waited silently for the nurse who was filing a patients file (as seemed to be the task hospital receptionists were always doing). The nurse glanced up at her but made no effort to complete her task any faster, instead continuing at her own pace until she felt ready to Service Sora.  
  
"Yes dear, can I help you?"  
  
"Yes, I was just wondering if a friend of mine has been admitted over the past couple of days"  
  
"What was the name?"  
  
"Izumi, Koushiro"  
  
"Just a moment please"  
  
The nurse sat down at a computer and typed away. Sora looked around the reception area, she didn't know why, it just seemed the thing to do in these situations.  
  
"Yes, he's here"  
  
Sora's heart froze slightly, but she nervously motioned a question  
  
"Ca..are you able to tell me if he's Ok?"  
  
*****  
  
Beads of water formed slowly, then ran down the varnished cherry finish to disappear in the blackness. Tai watched them dazed, the flat, sombre voice reading the eulogy lulling him deeper. He stood silently, his eyes glazed looking at the polished finish of the coffin that lay before him, hovering above the black pit that would shortly claim his friend for eternity. The other six were standing next to him, equally silent and dazed as they listened to the life of their former ally.   
They were surrounded by a larger group of adults, some sniffing lightly, but most just silent, wiping the drops of rain from hats or hair. The cemetery was silent except for the noise of the falling rain, punctuated every so often by the sound of a large drop striking the plastic cover of the book the minister was reading from.   
  
The minister finished him reading and quietly closed his book before laying it down on the chair next to him. He motioned to an older man who moved to the coffins edge and began lowering it into the grave. The minister finished his prayer and the surrounded adults mumbled an amen. They then turned and silently walked back to the driveway. The six remained standing silently, watching the coffin disappear out of sight, until it stopped and the man left the graveside.   
They were left standing alone, the clacking of rain on the plastic chairs behind them the only sound.  
  
None of them spoke, they just remained until Matt's mother came up him and motioned they should leave. Taking TK's hand she led them away. It was not long until Mimi broke into a fit of sobs and ran from the graves edge, and eventually Joe left with Kari, leaving Tai and Sora standing alone.  
  
Finally Sora broke the silence.  
  
"It's been awhile since I found out, and I got to do a lot of thinking while you were in hospital"   
  
Tai had been discovered, unconscious on the park bench and been taken to hospital. He had spent a week recovering, with Sora by his bedside always.  
  
"The image of his eyes when you pulled me away that lunchtime is still in my mind, he was calling for my help..and..yo..you dragged me away" She turned away and clasped her hands as she fought back tears, the picture of Izzy's desperate eyes filling her mind and hammering her that it was Tai who stopped her from saving him, and saving his life.  
  
Tai didn't reply, he just stood there motionless, eyes staring unfocused on the black pit in front of him. He heard what she said and he knew everyone, including Izzy's parents blamed him for his friends death, he knew that the way he had acted that lunchtime was what pushed him over. But it was impossible to think about, that if he had looked past his own selfish lust towards Sora to the friendship which everyone had made such a big deal about, Izzy would never have walked out of the cafeteria that lunchtime, he would never have met those seniors that afternoon, and even if he had they would have helped him.  
  
The way he had dragged Sora away would remain in her mind as the cause of her friends death, there wasn't a word to describe the feeling she now felt towards him, that one of her best friends who she had shared so much with in the past was exiled to try and cope with something he couldn't. She broke into sobs as she thought of how scared and insecure he had been and how she had helped him, and how his old foes had come back to hurt him and he had never said anything to her, he had tried to handle them by himself and she had never had the chance to rescue him.  
  
Tai shifted his gaze as he heard Sora break into crying, but didn't move. What had happened could not even bear thinking, but when the image of Izzy dying on the bathroom floor flashed through his mind he knew that would eventually be him dying, he couldn't live with the knowledge he had killed him. No one would ever be able to convince him otherwise because he knew it was the truth, and that his friends knew likewise.  
  
Sora turned to look at Tai, her face clenched as tears streamed down her face, her eyes sickened and angry. She fought to take a breath to talk  
  
"I never even got to talk to him, to tell him I still cared, when I came in the next day to see him they told me he died in the night, toxic shock or something"  
  
She paused and fought for breath again, before looking over at Tai, who was looking at her vacantly, his eyes hollow  
  
"Tai..he died alone..I never got to tell him we still cared.." She couldn't say anymore and ran from the grave. Tai was left standing alone, Sora's words burning in his mind  
  
  
He died alone..  
  
Tai collapsed to his knees next to the grave and remained, unable to cry or speak. As the last car moved away from the road below the grave, he was left alone and fallen at his friend's grave, as the light, misty rain fell over the cemetery.   
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
